You separated the chaos waters in the beginning.
You separated but did did not destroy. Why?
If chaos was before the beginning, and chaos was what kept the beginning from sparking, why did you not simply evaporate chaos? Why was it only separated from us and not obliterated?
I tread these overgrown paths of the old ways — Celtic, Hebrew, indigenous — or at least I try. There is much to be learned, much to be gleaned. Yet I can’t seem to swallow the idea that ‘everything happens for a reason’. I tire of the line, especially when it’s only an ineffectual escape boat for people who don’t really want to have a deeper journey with a wounded other.
I understand the concept, though. All that is and all that has happened must have been and must have occurred because of something else being and doing. Cause and effect, correct? And apparently, if I contemplate hard enough or be mindful enough, synchronicity will emerge to the surface of my consciousness and I’ll finally be illuminated to how everything is intertwined.
The reluctance of my character reigns supreme here, in that I can’t blithely accept that everything happens for a reason; that synchronicity is real and, if it is, helps us see threads tying all things and beings together; or that the universe is bound together somehow so pristinely that just because butterflies flap their wings on this side of the ocean causing weather mayhem on the other side of the ocean, that my life somehow becomes a reflection of butterflies and weather.
You did not destroy tehom.
Wheels of life, from any culture, appear as closed systems. No room is made for chaos — the impossible, the unpredictable, the completely-outside-our-realm-of-existence. How come? Are we that proud of what you spoke into being as being so self-contained that we can’t accept even the remote possibility of tehom still existing? Are we that afraid to consider the option that not every thing in our universe happens for a reason? Are we that entertained by our own selves that we create synchronicity where none really exists? Are we so desperate to believe in the interdependence of all things that we’ll extend the boundaries of creation into places where creation was never meant to dwell?
Are we swimming in the chaos waters without knowing it, and calling it ‘reason’?
Walking a mystic’s path is a demanding one — one that ushers me into the complete surrounding of you. You in all things. You over all things. You through all things.
So why is it I cannot quite come to accept: ‘everything happens for a reason’?
I come back to this moment of creation when you separated the chaos waters from above and from below. In this creation of space, you made room perhaps for everything to be interconnected with this space.
But what about without this space?
What about the chaos waters you did not destroy, but simply held back?
I’m not eager to accept that chaos might have a hand in the progression and existence of our world, but I can’t discount its presence either. Boasting that all things are interconnected without at least acknowledging the possibility of chaos — that which we can’t conceive of, comprehend, or understand (past, present, or future) — is folly. It perhaps gives us a sense of the world, but only as a world closed to other possibilities.
You didn’t destroy chaos. You didn’t destroy tehom. You only held them back.
I am not questioning your decision here. I’m only reflecting on what didn’t happen at your creation, rather than what did. I’m only reflecting on the narratives urging me to accept the interconnectedness of all things, and how reluctant I am to accept those narratives. I’m only confessing my failures on this journey.
I’m asked to accept that ‘what will be will be’ for whatever reason. Cultures and peoples have given all sorts of reasons since humanity began grunting at one another. And, of course, reason has meant all sorts of things to all sorts of people down through then eons. These reasons not only help us shape our theologies and theophanies, but they give us the power of narrative over the physical world in which we find ourselves powerless.
If you had destroyed tehom in the beginning, I might be able to say unequivocally that all things are indeed interconnected, and that everything does happen for a reason. But chaos was not destroyed in the beginning. It was held back, controlled.
In this moment in time, then, I am obligated to believe in the power of chaos in this world. Held back, perhaps, but present. I can believe in the circles of life — evident in ancient mandalas, triquetras, or medicine wheels — but with pieces missing, punctures or rifts in the lines.
What if — WHAT IF — there are events and people and things that truly were/are NOT supposed to happen? Things even out of your scope of creation? What IF?
Without room for chaos to be present, it seems that I fail to account for what is outside the realm of the created order. I become free to believe that everything can and does happen for a reason because nothing outside of the created order exists.
But it does exist, no?
Some might think this pushback against the interconnectedness of being would lead to hopelessness or despair. Quite the contrary! The allowance for the presence of tehom — chaos waters you only separated but did not destroy — speaks more to the consistency of your character.
I look to you as God. Others look to you as divine, as science, as nature, as the cosmos. Most of us are in agreement that we clearly don’t know everything, including why things happen. Good things. Bad things. Mundane things. In my perception of you, you are Love. You are the Source of Being.
You don’t force cancer on people, or use suicide as a rescue opt-out button for humans, and you don’t instigate dashing babies’ heads against rocks. You don’t “bless” people with insane amounts of money, wealth, family, or faith. That’s still meritocracy speaking. We receive because we’re in favour, or so we say, and call it faith. How very checks and balances. No wonder we are love-starved.
The question of evil will forever be unanswered because only some evil remains constant. Other evils change over time, even to become good. Some good remains constant throughout history, while other goods evolve and become evil.
Or perhaps it is humanity that changes. Or all of the above.
Whatever the case, I don’t see you as the cause and consequence of all things at all times. Those are absolutes I cannot ascribe to you as I know and perceive you. Which leads me back to creation:
You only separated tehom.
You did not destroy them.
And as a reluctant human, I truly do wonder: “Why?”