Today's the day.
After 3 years of hard work, forged relationships, being dropped into field work I was totally unprepared for, learning from life experiences as much (if not more) than books, here I am getting ready to culminate grad school.
It's different than high school.
I haven't spent the past 12 years working for this. Nor did I spend a stupid amount of dollars on a banquet dress (didn't even get my nails done… what's the point?).
It's different than undergrad.
I didn't engage in self-harm behaviours, struggle for a place in social circles or do nearly as much damage as I did back then.
Today is the graduation I've always hoped for: low-key but a hallmark in my life. One that I can be proud of without regret.
Anyway, enough about grad… yeah, yeah, I should be getting my stuff together. We leave for Eastern in less than an hour.
But would you believe I'm reflective about life right now?
Yeah… who would of thunk it? 😉
I shared at our grad banquet that I could live my life quite happily if I NEVER hear another "carpe diem" speech for the rest of my live long life. Going all Robin Williams on students has a time and place, for sure. We all stand on our desks, look down, get new perspectives, and take big leaps of faith into the wild blue yonder, and fly high on life.
Instead of "seize the day", I shared that I have learned in this program through the example of the faculty and fellow students to "embrace the dark".
Many of us have grown up in places of darkness, have come from places and families and communities of darkness, and know full well it is too these living darknesses that we are returning to. We have all chosen to seize the day many times already — we have embraced the light and been filled by it.
… we know to embrace the dark too. Not to let in evil, but rather because we know that in the dark there is beauty and joy and potential and resurrection.
There is life.
Seizing the day might mean opporuntity for new risks in life, but embracing the dark WILL mean sacrifice and most definitely a bidding of welcome to hurt and vulnerability. And I, for one, have chosen to embrace the dark… and will do so again and again.
Anyway, I really should get a move on and get dressed for this shin-dig. Here's what's been on repeat as my reflective mood shoots blanks…
All At Once — The Airborne Toxic Event
Nameless in the arms
Of a mother, a father, and God
When the world would wait for us
A thousand years in the crush
Of our eyes, fearless, and awed
So quietly, we'd fade into sleep
With nothing on our mind(s)
Hoo, hoo, hoo..
And then we longed to be loved
In the rush, we become
Some things we thought we'd never be
We were surprised by how hard
Left wary and scarred
From the nights spent feeling incomplete
And all those evenings swearing at the sky
Wishing for more time
All the promises we broke when we tried
Just wastin' all our time
We grow old all at once
And it comes like a punch
In the gut, in the back, in the face
When it seems someone's lied
And our parents have died
Then we hold onto each other in their place
And I feel the water risin' around us
Maybe that's okay
Yeah, I feel the world changin' all at once
I guess it'll be okay
Hoo, hoo, hoo..
And we all had one hope
There was someone lookin' down
To return our bodies to each other
And the ground